Important Shit

to do list!

cinder and smoke

remember to remember me

I almost bought a banjo the other day. The last time I played an instrument was in middle school. I could never figure out how to use both of my hands to play the piano, but I was pretty good with one finger. It was always too hard thinking about what my left hand was supposed to do while my right hand was playing at the same time. Perhaps that's a minor obstacle for most, but I respect most musicians, largely because they overcame figuring out how to use both of their fucking hands at once.

It seems that lately I've been thinking more than any normal person would be in a given second. I think that's a really sad excuse for a superpower. At the same time, none of my thoughts have been coming together. That's my weakness I suppose. It's all a bunch of loose ends. Or perhaps it's just one loose end with a bunch of loose ends trailing off. So a split end…hm.

Matt posted something really depressing the other day. In the same, depressing perspective, we're all terribly helpless. From a contrasting perspective though, we're not terribly helpless. So I guess you can spin it a few different ways.

For the past couple years I've been sending messages to people with my thoughts. It has a 30% success rate, but I really like the idea that someone would know what I'm thinking without me ever having to open my mouth. In reality though, I think my thoughts have just been bouncing off of myself and coming back to make me think about the same thing over and over again.

Just like I've never been able to play the piano with both of my hands, I've never been able to figure out how to speak with my mouth and think with my brain at the same time. By the time I finally have something to say, the conversation has trailed off like my right hand on the piano.

maybe you'll rest sometimes

Ah, I can breathe again.

This weekend was a good one. A friend came to visit for a couple days and a few of us went camping. Being in the middle of nowhere is great. I don’t think I could trade a clear night sky for anything save enlightenment. It seems that when I lie down and look up at the stars I can somewhat be at peace. At the same time, though, I’m still restless and have a hard time sitting in one spot too long.

It’s strange to know that when I sit down and stop, my mind keeps going. I think about all the other things that I should or could or need to be doing. So my mind is never really with me. It’s always one step ahead and I’m always left chasing it, feeling burnt out every step of the way.

For me, that’s an important realization. When I sit, I would like to sit. I would like my mind to do the same.

oh my sweet carolina

I’ve decided that working at the library is just about as fun as banging my hand with a hammer for two hours. I haven’t figured out which one is more painful though. Smashing my hand would hurt a bit, but not quite as much as listening to my boss talk about shelving techniques and how important it is to document absolutely everything so that they have records. I guess I shouldn’t complain—I’ve been eating all the baked desserts that people bring in for the week.

In the last week or so my motivation to study has slipped to near nothing. I think that’s becoming a common trend. If I graphed it out, it would look something like this:

That’s exponential decay right there. Fortunately it looks like I’ll never hit 0%.

On a similar note, my drinking habits are most likely positively correlated to my motivation. Unfortunately, my grades are also positively correlated to my motivation.

I have two bosses at the library. Both of them just looked at me, started whispering, and closed the door to their office to chat. Suspicious. It might be said that my motivation is also affecting my performance at work, but I doubt it since this job consists of sitting at a desk that receives no more than two customers per hour. I really hope they fire me.

With that being said, I think I’m going to get drunk and carouse the book stacks in my boxers tomorrow.

i ended up with pockets full of dust

I bought a CD today for the first time in awhile.

Great album. Enough said.

A few days ago, I promised myself to start sleeping on a regular schedule again. I just slept a full 4 and a half hours, which is very telling of how my pledge went.

just the old laws of cause and effect

Well, I’m pretty excited that Matt has started his own page. It’ll be interesting to see how the conversation evolves over the next few months.

I watched What the #$*! Do We (K)now!? earlier today. It was pretty good. I think I would have to watch it a few more times before grasping some of the concepts that they present.

One idea that they present, is that life is all about possibilities, and each atom is not so much a piece of matter, but rather a possibility. I think that it’s really easy to forget that we always have a choice. Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of people just settle for what they have. It’s never okay to settle for mediocrity because each moment is a possibility. Breaking out of this causal chain is much easier said than done, though, and people have tendencies to stick with what they’ve always done.

These habits, these addictions, the ups and downs we put ourselves through, are so painful to break away from that people go through withdrawal, and often go back to their old habits.

It is along the same lines, that Socrates postulates:

If you think what you have always thought,
Then you will feel what you have always felt.

If you feel what you have always felt,
Then you will do what you have always done.

If you do what you have always done,
Then you will get what you have always gotten.

If you get what you have always gotten,
Then you will think what you have always thought.

Cause & effect. What a horrible ride it can be. What a wonderful ride it can be.

It begs the question. When I live a causal life of chemical induced addictions, what choices do I have?

Perhaps it's the choice to break out of this mediocre state of existence that we settle for everyday, which will allow us to truly live and know ourselves. So what ever are we waiting on, and why is that so damn scary?